My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
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I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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