I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
40s are totally the cure
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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