If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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