Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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