Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
