listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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