You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
