So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The air was thick with penises
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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