are you still at the devil's house?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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