I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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