do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
