You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
