I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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