I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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