I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Randomize
