dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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