Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME