Sober January is a disaster.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
