she kept yelling 'call me bella'
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
