my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
