NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
