I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
