Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
