Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
