My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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