It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
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Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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