I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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