How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I deserve this hangover.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
