I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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