I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
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Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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