Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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