It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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