I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
