matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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