I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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