before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
