Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
