she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
