i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
