you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
