there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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