You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
