You made me cry and you don't even care
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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