the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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