Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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