i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
