I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
