you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
