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Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
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