I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
