Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
