so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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