I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
