why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
