Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
