just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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