I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
