I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
