I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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