In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
