So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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