You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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