awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
drinking out of a sandbucket again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
